I'm losing my grip!

It's been ages since my last confession...er...I mean blog.

A couple of months ago I added a 4th job to my schedule. At the time it seemed like a good idea. I only conduct HypnoBirthing(R) classes every other month and the occasional odd time for those couples that don't fit into the traditional scheduling. My hypnosis clients were not economically scheduled, so I figured I could condense appointments to one or two very full days a month. My Internship only takes up two days per week and I enjoy it so much it hardly seems like work. And the job I thought I applied for was Calligrapher, which I also enjoy. It was a part-time position personalizing Christmas bulbs. I thought, "How hard can it be?"

Unfortunately, the job included retail, which I absolutely abhor. I'm no good at it. It takes a special person who enjoys the unpredictable and dealing with a wide assortment of personalities. That is not me. I'm not a people person. I'm a hermit who enjoys researching, writing and being in controlled environments with a script, like public speaking on topic I know very well or teaching a topic I know very well. I need to channel my 'Inner Sheri' (my extrovert friend) just to get through a retail shift. It's exhausting. The job is 90% stuff I hate and 10% calligraphy or pricing, which I enjoy because it's solitary.

I am scheduled for half my weekends, all weekend, as well as more hours than I can handle during the week, especially now that school started and I have 8 hours of class each week plus assigned work. Within a week of working retail I remembered why I went back to school. Within two I knew I was in deep over my head and not doing so well at keeping afloat.

Every body says I should just quit, but calligraphy is a really obscure talent that they really need someone to do. Sheri says I'm taking a job away from someone that needs it by staying. Maybe. They are short staffed and haven't found other people who can do calligraphy yet. I like the people and don't want to leave them in a lurch. I gave my word that I'd help and I find that hard to break. The manager is trying really hard to work with my insane schedule, which helps, but it's not so much the regular schedule, but the weekends that are killing me. On the weeks that my husband travels and then I work all weekend, I barely get to see him. We haven't been together a quarter century by stealing an hour here and there if we can get it. We need to have time together that isn't all about bills and if one or the other of us has done laundry.

He says there is nothing worth sacrificing my sanity, and if I worked that hard for myself I'd be much better off. Probably.

So far I am figuring out ways to make it sort of work except that I am incredibly tired and I haven't had time to work on my book or other research/writing projects I have in my head. That is what's making me lose my grip. When I don't get the opportunity to get all this out of my head, it almost seems like...how can I explain it? Like pressure, I guess. Like at some point my brain is going to make me stay up all night just to drain it all into my computer, and then I'll collapse. I don't have time for yoga, knitting, Wild Divine or any of those things that keep me healthy and balanced either, including blogging and walking the dog. The poor dog! She was getting walked 2-5 miles a day and the luxury of being in the house with a constant companion. Now she's alone out in the garage all day and is lucky if she gets a walk around the block. My husband and dau have always had busy lives, but I was the hub that sort of kept it all running smoothly. It's not running quite as smoothly these days, even though they are helping out a lot.

Anyway, I might have reached my last straw. I may just have lost two HypnoBirthing clients because I'm having difficultly working even more in and they needed personalized schedule. That just won't do. HB is what I'm trained for, it's what I love and I hate to have even one woman who wants to enjoy the wonders of a HypnoBirthing miss out because I'm trying to accommodate a minimum wage job that means nothing to me simply because I can't walk away or say 'enough'.

So, now that I've bitched about a bunch of stuff that is totally within my control that I've done nothing about, Sheri would ask, "When are you going to do something about it?" I don't know.

What I do know is I have about a half dozen absurd tidbits I want to post here, but I've wasted time kvetching, so now I have to get ready for work. Hopefully I'll get a chance to get back on tonight.